Self-Awareness: The Greatest Gift We Can Give Our Students

Our dining room table is, in my mind, exquisite. I love it! My husband and I waited a long time before purchasing a dining room table, using instead an inherited table that was plain and useful, albeit way undersized for the dining room that held it. For years, we would squeeze six people around that table, and we created some fond memories doing so. Ultimately, though, we replaced it with a round table that we paid extra for just so it would be “distressed” and unique. It has random divots and marks across its surface, but it’s beautiful nonetheless. It is perfect for us but, at the same time, not at all perfect.

While furniture is often valued for its imperfections, we sometimes expect perfection of each other, including our children. Too often, academic goals are set early, not necessarily based on the child but based on societal or arbitrary expectations. Students who can learn to appreciate themselves and their own unique blend of strengths and weaknesses, though, usually mature academically more quickly and, accordingly, pursue more authentic and fulfilling paths. Their self-awareness is an advantage.

Our imperfections are what make us unique and valuable in so many ways. Every quirk that we embody, just as in art, can be an asset. On their journey to self-awareness, students should embrace weaknesses, but doing so can be a challenge, not just for students but also for parents. Some parents prefer not to label relative weaknesses for fear of promoting laziness. I believe, though, that a student can be coached to understand that a relative weakness may not be a true weakness at all, in the case of a superior student; may be completely rehabilitated with effort when a student has foundational gaps; or may be counterbalanced through well-developed strengths. The knowledge and understanding that comes with self-awareness should overshadow any accompanying fear.

Self-awareness is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children. Sugar-coating weaknesses and failing to embrace them can, alternatively, confuse our children and make them feel unseen or, worse, dumb. For example, if a child complains that they do not understand a teacher or a concept, do we tell them to try harder, do we blame the teacher, or do we try to understand the disconnect? Acknowledging strengths and weaknesses cultivates a more prepared student.

Often, students do not attain self-awareness until their senior year. The college essay writing process is a very reflective time, and I love that through this process, students often face, for the first time, self-awareness. They are forced to grapple with their greatest weaknesses and understand their strengths and motivations. By the end of a meaningful essay-writing season, the students mature as they gain remarkable clarity about who they are and what they value. Some of my happiest seniors are those who have pursued this self-discovery alongside my prodding – asking probing questions that help them understand themselves better and that, in turn, produce more captivating college essays.

At this Thanksgiving, I hope that we can all find gratitude for both our strengths and weaknesses. The distressed marks on my Thanksgiving table will remind me that we come to the table flawed but beautiful and uniquely talented. May we all carry this spirit of authenticity to our tables.

The Lost Art of Being Present

Our children know very little etiquette because exposure to it outside of the home is rare. When I go into public spaces, doors are infrequently held for me, servers rarely greet me with a warm smile, and folks often have little ability or desire to engage in conversation. Online and phone service is now provided by bots, and the presence of technology at dining room tables is everywhere.

But, when I grew up, etiquette was not optional. I was taught to greet adults with a smile and a firm handshake, to sit up at the table, to chew my food with my mouth closed, and to respect my elders. The number of rules I had to follow in my own home was downright suffocating, at times. Nevertheless, I now find myself nostalgic for etiquette because it is a lost art and because it preserves human connection, something our world craves. With a decreased focus on etiquette and an increased obsession with technology, we all are suffering from too much self-absorption.

Etiquette training builds social and cultural awareness. It is linked to civility and requires us to be mindful of one another. It is a distinctly human venture. Mindfulness, a hot topic right now, is heralded for improving our mood, reducing stress, and ensuring better sleep. But, mindfulness today is often used as a way to be more selfish, to focus on what we need in order to be more at ease or to perform optimally on the job, unaware that what we really need is more connection.

Instead, we should be mindful about showing compassion to others, which, in turn, will serve our own emotional well-being, all of which can be reinforced through etiquette. I am simply encouraging that we make room for one another. That we allow someone else to go ahead of us in the grocery store line, that we smile or talk to that stranger in the elevator rather than act distracted or busy with our phone, that we listen to one another without fidgeting or interruption, and that we try to make someone else’s day a little better.  

I miss my always impeccably-dressed father who knew just where to stand and just how to carry himself in a George Clooney or Cary Grant sort of throwback, gentlemanly way. He never had to be the center of attention, but drew people in nonetheless with his poise and temperament. Meanwhile, my mom clung to another lost art, penmanship. She prided herself on her cursive writing and demanded that her three daughters pen beautiful, sincere, and prompt thank you notes. How will we, in turn, as parents and mentors, be remembered by our children’s generation?

These “lost arts” — from gracious conversation to handwritten notes — are not just relics of another time. They’re the small, daily gestures that build trust, warmth, and understanding between people. When we abandon these arts, we risk losing something irreplaceable. We want our children to know what it feels like to be truly seen, so we must reclaim etiquette: the practice of being present for each other.  

More Than the Label: Honoring Each Person's Uniqueness

In my lived experiences, people defy categorizations. While I am the first to try to identify an Enneagram number for a family member to help me understand that relative’s perspectives, I am also deeply aware that relying too heavily on such categorizations can be a big mistake.

Today, labels are flying, often with ill intent, whether those labels are extreme MAGA or ultra-liberal, woke or anti-woke, Boomer or Gen Z, or pro-life or pro-choice. More often than not, such groups lie on a continuum, and intentional conversation could lead to some mutual understandings. However, this “quick-to-judge” tendency that is becoming so prominent can seep into our family life and affect our children.

We have seen evidence of this mislabeling in the past: We assume that the disruptive student is bad, that the younger sibling will be a classroom star just like his older brother, or that the student who fails to do her homework is lazy. We assume that the organized, well-dressed female classmate is smart.  We assume that the eighteen year old with the tattoo sleeve is a rebel, gang member, or even a criminal. Perhaps, we have been the target of such labels. These labels discourage a growth mindset. They also erect barriers and deter community connections.

One of the more common student labels that I see regularly is ADHD. ADHD is a diagnosis but also a label that has gained popularity over decades. It did not exist in public circles when I was in high school, but as awareness of the condition has exploded, so too have diagnoses. Today, over eleven percent of all of our children have received this diagnosis.

I have interacted with hundreds of students over the years diagnosed with ADHD. Every single one of them, though, is unique. I have had ADHD students who are brilliant and creative. I have had ADHD students who are not, too. These students, like all of my students, defy categorization. For these reasons, I usually defer reading any psychoeducational evaluation supplied by the parent until after I have observed the student’s patterns. In this way, I try to escape the dangers of such assumptions.

Student labels deter growth because we change the rules for the students who carry these labels. We may expect less of them, preemptively excusing them from responsibilities. We may treat them differently or exclude them, making life even more challenging for them as they sit on the fringe of society. Ultimately, the use of such labels reflects on us, the label-makers. We should lead our lives with more compassion and attempt to see each student, each person, as a unique human being, in other words, for his or her potential.

This past week, my local power company hired a tree service to come to my neighborhood and trim any tree limbs that could down power lines. The tree company attacked two of my 100-year-old oaks and raped them of a third of their limbs, leaving eyesores everywhere and dangerously setting these trees off balance. They “labelled” every limb that existed above the powerline a danger without thought or ample consideration. There was no art involved in sculpting the trees to preserve their beauty or their health. The tree service attacked them without compassion, and I found myself in the yard, stroking their trunks with empathy. 

I hope that we can extend more compassion to our children and to each other in this era of labelling, because we may be next in line when the labels are handed out.

Fostering Adaptability in the Age of AI

When my oldest child was entering the early grades, I went to hear a local speaker discuss the future for his generation. At the time, the forecaster predicted that this group of young children would one day hold jobs that we could not even fathom, so he argued, to box our children into a certain field or direct them to a particular career path would be futile. Of course, his prediction was correct: My children and most of my friends’ children, who are now adults, hold fairly specialized jobs, jobs that their parents likely would not have fully anticipated. In short, we cannot predict the future.

Today, the future for our children is even more unpredictable. We all know that significant change is afoot, whether it takes two years, five years, ten years, or thirty years. Indeed, companies are currently tapping the brakes on hiring policies and engaging in a wait-and-see approach to evaluate how quickly artificial intelligence changes the face of their industries. We should be considering what AI means for today’s children, and we can agree that, at a minimum, our children need to be as adaptable as possible. How can we, as parents, help to foster that adaptability?

For now, we can predict that AI will likely struggle in hands-on fields involving complex problem solving. AI will also likely falter when human interaction and connection are essential. It therefore stands to reason that we should steer our children accordingly – not to any particular job – but to strengthen and optimize their abilities in these areas. In other words, logic would indicate that students with good dexterity, students who are warm and emotionally intelligent, students who have a broad range of proficiencies, students who are strong problem solvers and understand mechanics, and students who optimize networking may have more options in the future.  I would also contend that students need to gain exposure to AI’s capabilities and to learn to work alongside AI, recognizing that AI will ultimately either be our competitor or our coworker, and we should strive for the latter.

As I look around, though, I do not sense that we are collectively trying to address the immediacy of these needs. Parents are still targeting careers early for their children, students are more focused on earning college credit through AP scores and dual enrollment than on developing skills, and local schools are largely not redesigning the curricula to address these transformations but are distracted by other issues. What changes can we, as parents, effect now?

1.        Prioritize school attendance. Interacting with other students, seeking out mentors, and gaining a broad understanding of our world should provide critical foundational social and networking skills our future leaders need. Consistent attendance breeds responsibility and reflects dependability. Too many students miss class regularly.

2.        Promote sports. Our children live in a competitive and increasingly global world. Do not shy away from competition. Embrace it. The physical skills gained through sports will help our children develop confidence, and the interactions gained on the field will translate to the working environment.

3.        Have your child develop a trade skill. Your child will never regret learning how to cut hair, fix a plumbing issue, farm, or build a piece of furniture.

4.        Pursue life balance and community involvement. Mental and physical stability are foundational to success, and, generally speaking, the more meaningful social involvement, the better.

5.        Ban excessive screen time, which is directly linked to depression and anxiety.  Excessive engagement with video games, social media, and TikTok is replacing more productive activities and creating a host of mental issues.

6.        Create structure at home, and promote screen-free family time. Take charge and set rules. Our children need to understand that they will not begin a career above the bottom rung. Set that tone now by regaining control over children.

7.        Discuss artificial intelligence as a family - its pros, cons, and capabilities.

We cannot wait for our schools to address the immediacy of these issues. The schools are currently mired in budget shortfalls and in launching a new strategic plan, the very existence of which reflects our need for less discussion and more action. We need our public school system, though. It is critical to ensuring that our children develop needed skills, but it is not a one-stop shop. We bear the responsibility to raise our children and to anticipate the radical changes ahead.

Building Self-Reliant Learners: Why Students Must Own Their Education

When I was a high school student, I had some weak teachers, especially in math. I remember needing to supplement my high school calculus curriculum because although my math teacher knew calculus, he did not know how to teach! My entire calculus class scrambled for support before the AP exam. In some ways, today’s issues securing strong teachers, math teachers in particular, are not new, but our children seem to be contending with many more significant teacher issues, and the world is a much different place.

Education has changed dramatically, especially in the past five years. With COVID came the upswing of online education, as students learned primarily through technological tools and videos. When students returned to the physical classroom a few years ago, education seemed forever changed. No longer did teachers engage primarily in the traditional lecture and seminar approach. Instead, they were encouraged to evolve and to recognize that students needed more individualized instruction and more project-based learning.

Professional development for teachers, however, was often underfunded and largely failed to provide sufficient guidance to teachers on how to effectively implement such instruction. The teachers were also understandably weary, which resulted, from my observation, in a sustained increased use of technology in the classroom. Teachers today turn to online tools and videos more than ever and assign more group projects, both of which alleviate some of the stress that the teachers carry but which also result in a compromised educational product.

Now, with the growing use of AI in the mainstream, personal instruction has eroded further, with teachers turning to AI for lessons plans and more. For example, UNC now uses AI to evaluate application essays, and teachers are often using AI to help them grade student essays. This AI dependency does not inspire students’ creativity or writing enthusiasm.

Couple these technological changes with (1) the failure of our political system to support teachers with adequate pay and benefits and (2) teacher shortages, and the result is a weakened faculty pool. Our children are seeing these effects in real time.

As parents, what can we do to optimize this situation for our children? In just a month, I feel certain that most of our children will have a subpar teacher. It is just that common today.

What I tell my students is that in high school, with access to the world at their fingertips, they must now take responsibility for their own learning. I know that sounds harsh, but it isn’t so far-fetched. Part of learning is recognizing when you, as a student, do not fully understand the material and asking for help. When our children go to college, they need to know when to seek out the professor or teaching assistant and how to find their way to the tutoring center. They also need to take advantage of online materials and websites to supplement their learning. One of the first steps to being college-ready is to develop autodidactic skills. Students need to display curiosity to understand better the world that they live in as well as the subject matters that they have chosen to study. They also need to be self-aware, to realize when they do not understand the requisite material.  Finally, they need to have the resolve to dig deeply, to work hard, and to gain that understanding.

Our students are resourceful when they want to be. They are exceptionally good at accessing the food that they want through Grubhub, Door Dash, or Uber Eats. They track teachers through Rate My Professor, Reddit, or by word of mouth (although these sources usually guide them to an easy teacher, not necessarily a good one). And they can navigate anywhere using Waze or Google Maps. Moreover, they can quickly toggle between Uber, Lyft, and Curb to find the least expensive ride. Why in the world would we think that they are incapable, therefore, of preparing for a test on Newton’s First Law of Motion or of understanding logarithms?  The research and problem-solving skills involved in each are nearly identical.

Let’s make sure that we are not babying our children in this moment by demanding that the teacher award them an A because of their failure to teach when their grade comes in at an 89.4. Instead, let’s put the power and responsibility in our children and make them aware of our expectations.

Nailed It: The Surprising Value of a Summer Home Project

Not long ago, we had an air conditioning unit go out. Whenever an appliance is on the blink, my heart sinks into my stomach, as I immediately begin to consider when I will have time to arrange to get the broken appliance fixed. Inevitably, the service team will expect me to await their arrival for at least half of a day, rather than schedule a visit for a certain time. Inevitably, the team will be late, and the diagnosis will require yet another visit. A day or two from my tight schedule will be lost to this service, and the service will, no doubt, be ridiculously expensive. I can only pray that the fix is long-lasting.

However, on this particular Saturday (because appliances always break down on the weekend), my husband told me that he thought he might be able to fix it. I grew up in a household where such a statement from my dad would prompt sighs from everyone because, as much as I adored my dad, he was definitively not handy when it came to appliances. He might jerry rig the item and leave a hole in the wall. My husband, on the other hand, always seems to understand how appliances work. I admit that I cringe when he pushes every button in a new car or when he literally takes apart new, motorized toys, because I am fearful that he will break something before we have enjoyed its first usage. I know, though, that he understands mechanical and electrical items. He legitimately could pursue work as a handyman in retirement.

Sure enough, he rerouted the pipe that had slipped in our AC unit, and his fix has held now for weeks and looks professional. Crisis averted. And we have had air conditioning during these hot and humid summer June days!

With June here, summer is officially underway, and for many students, summer will seem short: With the arrival of August, school will be imminent. What does your high schooler have planned for these weeks of summer?

Many parents may feel antsy that their children do not have enough planned that will showcase well on college applications and a resumé. That summer program in which they are participating may scream wealth, and they may have waited too long to apply for that summer job. Not to worry!

One of the best things your child can do this summer, in my humble opinion, is to head to Home Depot with a parent and pursue a home project. Perhaps you have something in need of repair that your child, along with a supervising parent, a manual, and some professional guidance, can attempt to repair. Whether your child is handy or not, that kind of at-home project not only builds intimacy between a parent and child, offering hours of casual conversation and bonding over a common problem, but also offers great college essay content. Whether the at-home repair team succeeds or fails, the pursuit is well worth it. Something is always learned in the process. If you think your child is a budding engineer, the pursuit of such a project can be surprisingly informative, as your child may realize that engineering is indeed a big interest – or absolutely is not.

A summer project can build as many memories as a family vacation and costs a lot less! I hope that you and your children choose to take on a summer project together.

Here are some ideas: https://www.thisoldhouse.com/yards/21018260/28-easy-summer-weekend-projects

The Key to a Strong Verbal Score on the SAT/ACT (and My Summer Reading Guide)

When rising juniors start their test prep journey with me, the large majority of them struggle with reading comprehension. That section often is a student’s lowest sub score, and more frequently than not, my students exhibit a lack of confidence in reading. My first question to these students is “What is the last book that you read for pleasure?” Many of them will skirt my qualification and reply with a classic that I know they read in school. The others will look at me dumbfounded, a look that conveys both “When would I have time to do that?” and “Why would I choose to do that?”.

Inevitably, I draw an analogy, reminding the students that they will never get better at soccer/piano/art – pick your child’s interest – without practicing. Realization dawns on the students’ faces: They know that, of course, I am right. The key to higher reading comprehension scores is to start reading every day!

Most high school students read very little, at least up until their junior year of high school. They may have read in grammar school but abandoned that pursuit during middle school. Public school English teachers generally do not assign much reading, especially during the first two years of high school. Reading books aloud in the classroom is a fun adventure popular in freshman reading classes but not a replacement for a child cozying up with a book alone at home. As these students become juniors, though, because many of them enroll in AP U.S. History, a course that requires significant reading, their reading comprehension scores respond and start to improve.  Usually, this bump is too little, too late.

If they are not reading independently, then students often do not know themselves. Specifically, they cannot identify their own interests and are more detached. When asked what they love to do in their free time or what their interests are, most of our children respond that they enjoy “hanging out with friends” and love their sport. In short, they lack the depth that we want them to cultivate. In our digital world, I believe that nothing replaces the self-exploration that comes from reading a book. Readers gain a much better understanding of their own curiosities and of their personal journeys.

Whatever your child has planned for this summer, I suggest that you insist that they read a few books. When trying to get your child into reading – or back into reading – the reading selection does matter. I usually say that what your child reads matters less to me than the fact that they are reading, and that is true. However, you have limited opportunities to capture their attention with a book, so help them choose a book that fits their interests and that has over a 4-star rating on Amazon and Goodreads.

I developed a summer reading list for you again this year. I know today’s children, and I have tried to select titles that will resonate with them, depending on their interests. Most of the following are backlist books, but there are a few new titles among them. Let me know what you think, and happy reading!

·      For the dystopian reader or budding political scientist: Sunrise of the Reaping by Suzanne Collins (2025) – If your child already loves The Hunger Games (either the movie or the book), pick up this latest dystopian prequel, released this year with a lot of buzz. It packs a punch and can be enjoyed as a standalone novel. It also provides enlightening insights to propaganda and political corruption.

·      For the student who loves forensics: A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder by Holly Jackson (2019) – High School Senior Pip Fitz-Amobi takes on a local murder investigation as a school project in an effort to exonerate Sal Singh, the alleged murderer, who graduated just five years earlier from Pip’s high school. Accused of killing his girlfriend and classmate, Sal then kills himself. Pip, though, shakes up the investigation – along with her town – with her theories about the murder. Twists abound.

·      For the student who loves religion and family: Ordinary Grace by William Kent Krueger (2013). In this beautiful but tragic literary coming-of-age novel, Frank recounts his family’s story forty years earlier, a story that involves a murder in a rural Minesota town. Although riddled with grief, the novel carries with it a message of hope, faith and love, by the grace of God.

·      For the Greek mythologist or adventure seeker: The Lightning Thief by Percy Jackson (2005) – A classic, fantasy novel series that brings Greek mythology into modern times. If your child has already read this one, there are a total of seven books in the series, and they are beloved!

·      For the old soul: Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (1813) – With the recent re-release of this movie from 2005, reading the classic novel on which it is based would be a timely choice. A fairytale romance with humor and obvious staying power (and no murder).

·      For the scientist or dinosaur lover: Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton (1990) – If your child is science-y, then this cult classic could be a good pick, where dinosaurs run amok at a theme park in their honor, but where things also go horribly wrong.

·      For the trivia collector or budding doctor: Everything Is Tuberculosis by John Green (2025) – Your child likely already knows John Green because he wrote The Fault in Our Stars and Looking for Alaska, and he is a creator of Crash Course. Here, though, with a just-released nonfiction story, Green shares how tuberculosis has become a disease of poverty through healthcare inequities. Sounds dry, but it’s not! This book is a powerful read told through a compelling narrative with a young child Henry from Sierra Leone at its center. A great choice for a student who might be interested in medicine.

·      For the nonconformist: Dead Poet’s Society by NH Kleinbaum (1989) – In this case, the movie preceded the book, but your child may not have seen it yet, and this story is worth the read! A secret club at a boarding school where boys strive to follow their own individuality . . . we have a whole generation of students right now who could feed off of this inspiration!

·      For the hopeless romantic: Just for the Summer by Abby Jimenez (2024) – Abby Jimenez is a great romance writer and a Food Network Cupcake Wars champion! This particular not-too-spicy title need not be read within its series (Part of Your World Series). Jimenez’s modern-day romances are smart, funny, and relationship-focused, so they always entertain.

·      For the sports enthusiast or horse lover: Seabiscuit: An American Legend by Laura Hillenbrand (1999) – If your child loved Unbroken, I think this is Hillenbrand’s better nonfiction title! A biography about the thoroughbred racehorse, this true story of Seabiscuit’s unlikely success beating the then-Triple Crown winner will win your heart.

Stormy Weather

This morning, I woke up to a flurry of text messages from our travel companions to Antarctica last year. One friend shared a video of a ship recently crossing the notorious Drake Passage,  facing waves up to 40-feet high. The video almost seemed fake as the ship and passengers braced to absorb the roller coaster waves. A few minutes later,  I turned on the news, and the weather featured prominently: A swath of storms crossing the country is posed to wreak havoc. Indeed, weather, always a topic of casual conversation, is today much more volatile than it has been in the past. Some days, a drenching rain soaks the roots of my towering oak trees, threatening their demise. The next day, the sun scorches the pavement, and the temperatures soar to 90 degrees in early April. With Hurricane Helene devastating Asheville only last fall, North Carolinians, like most Americans today, know that unexpected storms can drastically impact lives. Just the threat of a storm today can be anxiety producing.

I grew up in a stormy household, unaware of when the next storm might blow in. Paired with an expectation of perfection, the combination weighed heavily on me. I am far from alone, as we live in a culture today where the pathway to success has never been more unknown, especially with AI looming. Parental involvement  frequently seems either remote or suffocating. Extremism has too often become the norm. Stormy weather, in other words, is prevalent everywhere.

To brace for such volatility, cruise ships today have built-in stabilizers. Without them, a cruise ship may not be able to comfortably face the “Drake Shake.”

In today’s chaotic world, the family home needs to be a safe haven for our high school students, and to achieve that stable environment, parents must seek to minimize volatility, to lead with structure and clear values, and to keep inflexible expectations at bay. It is difficult for parents to fully understand the “storms” that our children regularly encounter. A social media post may suddenly rock their world, as they learn that they were not invited to a party. Their chrome book may fail to charge on the one day that their charge cord is at home. Their partner for the big history PowerPoint project may fail to turn in that project on time. These events should amount to simple “showers” – unexpected but manageable inconveniences, where if the student remains calm, an equitable resolution can be achieved. However, if the home environment is rocky, a small ripple can cause huge waves and sleepless nights and rattle the student into disarray.

Moreover, most families simultaneously cope with some mental health issues or addiction, both of which still carry a stigma. I know that if I struggled to navigate my own path during the 1970s Me Decade, our children’s path is certainly fraught with peril in what could easily be nicknamed the Chaotic Twenties and in what began with a pandemic. Parents, no doubt, must work harder today to maintain a sense of normalcy at home, to cultivate an environment where our children realize that success is a possibility and where our children see themselves as worthy.

Storms today are certain to invade every household. Some volatility is to be expected and, frankly, is needed. How we manage our response to storms – that is where character is demonstrated and where our children gain resiliency. Constant volatility, however, is what we must seek to avoid, what we must guard our children from facing.

If your own home lacks structure or fails to serve as the safe haven for your children that you know is needed, take steps to find stability. Seek out a qualified therapist or support for an addiction. Or engage in your community  and volunteer for the needy. Nothing grounds us more than understanding better what we may be taking for granted.

Raising Resilient Kids: Reflections from My Parenting Journey

As a mom, I believe that most parents try to do their best. Ultimately, we all aim to avoid the possibility that, one day, our children will be complaining about us to some therapist, which is probably not preventable. As I reflect on my efforts raising my two boys, I know that I made many mistakes, but like most of you, I am very proud of the men they have become, even if the results are primarily due to my children’s own hard work, rather than any efforts my husband and I exerted to guide them toward a life of purpose.

I think it can be a worthwhile exercise, though, to evaluate what kind of parents we are. Are we more strict or permissive? Do we parent with a primary philosophy that we simply want our children to be happy, or do we parent to prepare them for the rugged realities of adult life ahead? How much of our parenting styles are due to our own experiences as children?

Balance, of course, is likely what we should strive to obtain. Parenting styles, much like diets, will come and go, but balance is likely the best path to success.

In my own personal reflection, I was part drill sergeant. Those of you who know me won’t be surprised by this admission. I urged physical fitness above all else with my boys, which meant that they always maintained a busy schedule and always had a lot of exercise. I intentionally prioritized fitness because it is a lifelong habit that I deem important. I still believe that lots of physical activity, especially for boys, builds confidence both outside and inside the classroom and helps foster a child’s ability to sit still, whether in school, at a religious service, or at the dinner table.

I also set very high expectations, admittedly pushing them past the point of comfort. They chose their own activities, but once engaged, I expected full effort. The results were that they often surprised themselves. Such experiences build resilience and self-satisfaction. If we do not put any pressure on our children in terms of expectations, in my observation, children often fall short of their potential.

The third reason, that I was, quite frankly, a taskmaster of a mom is because I have no tolerance for laziness. Absolutely none. That is not to say that I don’t value walking in nature or sitting in the grass to examine a dandelion closely. That is not to say that I don’t value play, such as a game of Scrabble or building a Lego model, or that I don’t appreciate a hobby, even introspective ones, such as painting.  I do, however, have a very low tolerance for hours spent gaming or for gaming as a “social activity.” I have very low tolerance for mindlessly streaming reels on Instagram up to the point where the streamer has no idea why his or her feed is filled with videos about a particular subject, totally unaware of the algorithms that are reflecting personal habits. And I have no tolerance for sleeping Saturdays away. In my experience, all of these activities reinforce depressive tendencies and isolation.

My fifteen years of experience as an academic coach have affirmed my personal observations. I am neither a doctor nor a mental health counselor, but after working with hundreds of children, I can confidently say that I do not regret raising my children with high expectations, pushing their physical limits, or encouraging them to fill their days with activity and social interactions.

I am extremely aware that some children are more fragile than others. I have worked with many such children, but I am also aware that coddling our children, even if they are highly sensitive, does not bode well for them, in my experience.

I was a product of a very rigid household. Naturally, I have tried to swing the pendulum in the direction of more nurturing, but I also exercised a lot of restraint to ensure that I did not overdo the nurturing, to the point of becoming a pushover. Admittedly, in my mind, ideal parenting is likely a little bit more gentle than my approach. Thankfully, I had a husband who balanced out my efforts.

From my personal reflection, I hope that you will gain insights to your own parenting styles. Whether you agree with my observations and my approach or not, increasing our awareness and the intentionality of our decisions is important. I also hope that you hear my loud cry that today’s children need greater parental involvement. Not helicoptering. Not controlling. Not usurping their individuality or personal responsibilities, but genuine, loving attention and interest in their days, their friends, and their activities. Personal connections have, in my estimation, never been more important.

Cultivating Grit Through Sports

When I was in high school, February, the shortest month in days, often seemed to drag on forever. Spring break seemed like a mirage on the distant horizon. The cold weather, the lack of holidays (except for Presidents’ Day), and the drudgery of the repetitive school day at this point in the academic year weighed on me. I longed for snow days and a change to shake up the monotony.

I am not sure that I can describe our current February as monotonous. The shifting and ever-changing political landscape, the rampant flu season, the temperature changes from brutal cold to shorts weather, and the heightened pressure to move through  AP curricula because of lost days to ice and snow have made this February anything but boring. I still find, though, that what students need most and what they are often lacking at this time of year is resilience, the very same quality that I needed back in the day to survive February.

Fortunately, spring sports start their practice seasons in February and foreshadow approaching light. I have written blogs in the past about the importance of sports in today’s world for our high school children, and spring may be the most important season for sports because it revives students, refocuses them, and directs them to finish the year in stride at a time when, I believe, all students need some adrenaline.

High school sports have become increasingly competitive over the years. Because students are starting sports at tender ages and honing their expertise for a particular sport through travel teams and summer camps, many of our children feel squeezed out of the opportunity to participate on high school teams. Nevertheless, trying out for a team and failing or signing up for a club sport are important ways that our children can build grit. Nothing, in my experience, instills doggedness like athletics, and sadly, perseverance is lacking in much of our youth. Resilience is borne on the sports field. Everyone knows that sports is where a student builds fortitude, which is exactly why every high school teen should, in my opinion, experience a sport.

So many of our children lack confidence. So many of our children suffer from anxiety. So many of our children succumb to avoiding work. So many of our children are out of shape. Conversely, a few of our children actually think too highly of themselves. Each of these deficits, though, can be overcome through sports. If “there’s no crying in baseball,” as Tom Hanks proclaimed in A League of Their Own, than that is because children need to toughen up a bit. The world can be dark and cold – especially in February – but our children need to learn that the little failures, such as bobbling a ball, missing a goal, or veering off course, can almost always be overcome. Perhaps more significantly, these failures are vital to experience.

The time is nigh to get our children out of their rooms and onto the field. Sports is not only the antidote to seasonal depression and other ailments, but it is also the pathway to transform self-image and to instill confidence.

Creating Confidence Through Positivity and Gratitude

In December, a friend shared a reel from Instagram with me. I try not to watch reels, if I am being honest. They can be polarizing and addictive, but this particular reel had a profound effect on me. It was about setting up a gratitude jar for 2025. Each week, the content creator suggested adding a Post-It note to the jar about something for which I am thankful, so at the end of 2025, I can then reflect on the many events and moments that brought me joy during the year. I found myself wishing I had completed this exercise in 2024, a year for which I knew I had much to be thankful – two family weddings and a monumental trip among them – but I also knew that I had forgotten many positive moments, too. I now have a jar in my office and am adding my colorful Post-Its with notes of gratitude to it weekly.

A strange thing, though, has already happened because of this exercise. My mere glance at the jar conjures positivity, and I have become more intensely aware of how attitude affects us all, including our children.

Much of what I do in my office is work to change my students’ attitudes, attitudes about school, about their work, about their futures, and about themselves. Students who are flailing in school almost always have attitude issues. Students who are struggling with tests or who are seeking to perform better on tests are looking for greater ability and understanding, yes, but also for confidence. Confidence is a game-changer in the world of academics and testing.

The conversations we have with ourselves and with our children can either work to build confidence or work to erode it. Setting the tone for each day and for the year ahead can have a more profound impact than we know.

I hope that you and your family will join me in my efforts to adopt positivity and gratitude in the year ahead. With a fresh semester ahead, consider setting high, measurable goals for and with your children . . . and for yourselves. Consider adding a gratitude jar in a prominent location to which you and your children can contribute Post-It notes of gratitude. Another great thing about joy and positivity is that they are contagious, and with the negative and often tragic news stories filling our daily feeds, we can all use reminders to make the most of every day.

Moral Ambiguity and the Erosion of Authority

The targeted slaying of United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson has laid bare the ethical crisis in our nation. We are a country that seems to be going rogue, ignoring traditional rules and celebrating the breach of authority and law. Many are excusing, in jest or outright, the murder of an individual that few, if any, of us knew personally - a man who was a father and a husband but who worked in an industry plagued with deceit. To make this situation worse, the alleged murderer used a 3D printer to create his weapon, a ghost gun because it’s unserialized.

The moral ambiguity implied by the pushback to the prosecution of this assassin is palpable. Should we be permitted to take the law into our own hands to right perceived injustices?

This murder does not stand in isolation. Other popular news stories include the Menendez brothers’ murder of their parents in 1989. Media attention has prompted a recent demand for the release of the imprisoned brothers, suggesting that the killings were justified due to the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse the boys faced during childhood at the hands of their parents.

Many teenagers are attempting to process these stories through the lens of comedy, because they are watching this news play out on TikTok and in sketches, such as those on “Saturday Night Live.” Too many of these teens lack moral guidance, a dangerous combination.

High school has long been a location where sharp one-liners get a laugh and attention. No doubt, the moral ambiguity woven into these stories becomes even more prominent as teens recreate and share the jokes that they have heard about these stories and others.

Amid these headlines, Reynolds experienced a school shooting last week.

When our high schoolers come home, most of them retreat to their bedrooms where they stream, watch football, and game, each of which reinforces, to some degree, violence and unhealthy rhetoric as opposed to morality and well-reasoned debate.

Parents also seem to lack authority these days. Many parents feel as though they have no ability to punish or to control their children and no way to enforce their own house rules. At the holidays in the coming weeks, I encourage you to reconnect with your children. We as parents must get these children out of their bedrooms and into common spaces.

Authority is under attack, but structure and order, not anarchy, preserve safety, stability, and goodness. By reconnecting with your children and by engaging in deep discussions about these headlines, you may be able to realign your children’s moral compasses and eliminate the ambiguity.

Battling Burnout: Rekindling our Boys’ Motivation

A lot has changed since my two sons were in high school. Girls have long outperformed boys in the classroom, but only recently did I become seriously concerned about today’s high school boys.

As an academic coach, I am witnessing boys’ lack of motivation. Their often short attention spans and inadequate discipline are causing them to falter. I fear that our boys are slipping away from us. They are falling down the class rank ladder, so much so that boys now make up only one-third of the top ten percent of high school classes and two-thirds of the bottom ten percent (Brooks, David. “Voters to Elites: Do You See Me Now?” New York Times, 11/6/24).

Parents contact me regularly to share that their boys are fully capable but fail to complete any schoolwork outside of the classroom or are completely incapable of effective studying. Moreover, they are uninspired and distracted in the classroom. The schoolwork has become tedious. They long to be somewhere else, doing something else, even if they are unsure what. They resent the long hours dedicated to school, a place that fails to deliver the excitement and reassurance that they seek. They have lost self-confidence. It is important that we, as parents, understand the contributing factors.

Many boys tend to struggle with executive functioning, which means initiating their work is a challenge, and they mature at a slower pace than girls. Our curriculum moves quickly for many children from foundational middle school work to an AP curriculum that requires independent learning. Suddenly in the tenth grade, our sons must attend to a lot of work independently, watching and synthesizing videos and applying the lessons provided there to online assignments. When motivation and self-confidence are lacking, a work-around by copying work from friends or otherwise cheating (looking up answers online) seems an easy resort.

Additional consistencies among these young men contribute to their lethargy. Boys seem more belligerent about the “busy work” assigned in school. Boys usually benefit from a tactile or project-based education and, therefore, may initially struggle to learn from textbooks, videos, or lectures. Meanwhile, gaming and cell phones have become addictive distractions, and a largely prescribed course schedule with minimal room for choices seems to affect boys more adversely than girls. In general, girls are more organized and willing to sit for longer periods of time studying. I realize that these observations are not true across the board, but they are true, in my experience, most of the time. Our post-pandemic shift to more computer work and less physical interaction, therefore, seems to be taking a toll on our boys. If this sounds familiar and if my comments seem directed to you, I suggest a few courses of action.

First, get involved. Boys may put out signals that they don’t want you involved in their lives, but they do. They just don’t want the wrong kind of attention. They don’t want to be pestered with your nagging questions about grades and missing work, but they do want to connect with you. Indeed, many are lonely. Show an interest in your children’s days, and model your own self-improvement and growth. Do not allow your children to isolate themselves in their rooms. Instead, show them how to cook, clean, wash the car, or do lawn work. They would also benefit from discussing news, politics, religion, and money with you, because these are pressing issues today. Many parents fail to include their children in these discussions or to seek their emerging points of view. Firming up the parent-child bond has never been more important, and just because they have schoolwork to complete does not mean that they do not have time for family chores and discussions.

Second, our sons need to gain some traction in school. Attaining some success in school will help breed greater confidence and motivation. Structure can help them do that, and a busy life ironically leads to a more organized life. Just as sleep begets sleep, productivity begets productivity. Accordingly, ensure that your children have ample healthy activities or interests to hold their attention outside of the classroom.

You should also expect your children to do some schoolwork at home every day, even every weekend, whether that is reading over class notes for improved retention, filing paper work, polishing off written assignments, actively preparing for upcoming assessments, or reading a book. (Note that reading over notes is not active studying.) Scheduling with your child a one-hour period at the same time every day for the completion of this work without access to a phone and preferably in a common area will help them gain that initial traction. Many of them might benefit from more time, but one hour is a reasonable start.

As we move closer to the second semester of our school year, let’s address the waning motivation of our high school boys. Let’s get them involved in family and in activities, and let’s get them reengaged in their own futures.

Tackling Test Anxiety

In the ninth grade, I vividly remember standing in front of my English class. My knees literally knocked as I attempted to level my voice. My wobbly stance and stuttering voice put my anxiety on full display. I had a fear of public speaking, even if it was just in front of about 24 students in my public school classroom.

I made a promise to myself, then and there, to overcome my fear of public speaking. I vowed to prepare thoroughly when facing any presentation and to force myself into the spotlight. I began teaching soon thereafter: ballroom dancing at our local cotillion, swimming lessons at our local pool and at camp, and even a ballroom dancing short course for other students in college. I gained confidence in my public speaking skills by teaching topics I knew well to others. 

Over the span of five to six years, I got my sea legs. Before I knew it, I had earned a spot on the National Moot Court Team in law school and, thereafter, I became a trial litigator, speaking before a full courtroom almost weekly. In ninth grade, I would never have envisioned a career that involved public speaking.

Today, a different anxiety seems to plague many of our children: test anxiety. A large portion of my students seem to handle their classwork without a hitch. They are fairly organized and attentive to their daily work. They “study” for tests; however, on test day, they falter. They earn a failing or near failing grade. The students and their parents are dismayed. How could they do so poorly after ten years in school of nearly straight As? These children are  bright. In fact, they may have never needed to study much before tenth or eleventh grade – maybe for the occasional spelling or history unit test but certainly not in math.

Unfortunately, test anxiety today is very common, and students now seem to simply adopt the phrase, “I have test anxiety,” as if they’ve been stricken with a disease, without adequately addressing it. Parents used to share with me in hushed tones that their child suffers from test anxiety. Now, students themselves “own” the label. Teachers who struggle to reconcile their classes’ poor grades offer the students the opportunity to earn points back on tests and to opt out of exams, relieving them of the need to sharpen their study habits and test taking skills. Teachers offer extra credit to bring up quarterly grades, too. Our high school students can now navigate high school and sometimes even college without ever facing a full courseload of exams, and college students shop classes looking for the courses that have final projects or papers in lieu of exams.

Therefore, when many colleges went test optional in admissions, the number of students to jump ship and avoid the SAT and ACT altogether soared exponentially.  

Avoidance, however, is not the best way to combat this problem. Test anxiety is a very real thing for some students; however, in my experience, the best way to overcome test anxiety is by sharpening the student’s approach to preparing for the test and by, well, taking the test!

Test prep is more than just gaming the test: It is skill development – learning the math and grammar concepts that were never perfected, gaining an understanding of what it means to read a passage strategically, and learning how to evaluate multiple choice questions with a keen eye. Yes, there are tricks involved, but many of my test prep students become not only significantly more confident and more shrewd test takers but also better students overall. We can denounce the importance of test taking, but a strong test taker is often an observant and knowledgeable student, which is why colleges do, in fact, care about test scores and are reinstituting testing requirements.

I know that fears only grow in time when they are not addressed. If your children continue to struggle on unit tests, they need to revamp their study habits, and if they want to improve on the SAT and ACT, they need to dig in and practice. Conquering fears is empowering, too, and most of our children will benefit from a boost in confidence.

Recently, I added group test prep sessions to my offerings, specifically to broaden my reach and to accommodate my waitlist, so if your child needs support in test prep, please reach out. My next group test prep session is for the ACT and will take place on Sunday, October 6.

Reestablishing Real-Life Connections

I continue to be concerned about our children’s overindulgence in technology, and now my concerns have taken new life as I read The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt, which has ridden the best seller list for over twenty weeks. Haidt’s overall message resonates with me: “We are overprotecting children in the real world and underprotecting them online.” For years, we have heard of the dangers of helicopter parenting, which has served to make our children dependent and fearful, but the combination of limiting their sphere of physical freedom and simultaneously allowing them full access to technology and online material has proven very dangerous. Despite efforts to limit phone access in schools, which is a positive step, I believe that we, as parents, must do more to restore what’s left of this generation’s childhood.

Today’s high school students, in addition to being anxious, are socially immature. Not only did the pandemic strip them of necessary social and play time to develop their emotional intelligence, but we have also compounded their deprivation by moving to a much greater reliance on technology than ever before.

While I applaud our public school system’s decision to largely ban the use of cellphones, teachers seem to be substituting one screen for another, as they rely increasingly on technology to educate our children. EdPuzzles, Delta Math, DuoLingo, AP Classroom, online class offerings, Flipped Classrooms, and IXL are among the digital platforms our local teachers are not just offering but requiring. These programs are effective learning tools, but they should never be replacements, in my opinion, for instruction. They are being overused, in part, because they make instruction so easy for our teachers. Students should have the opportunity not just to learn class lessons at school but also to gain interpersonal skills by engaging with other students and by learning directly from a mentor, their teacher, in the classroom. Our teachers must continue to serve as role models and mentors to help our children grow socially.

Moreover, because of the excessive screen time taking place within school walls, our children need screen time seriously curtailed at home. Setting aside phones at dinner and during conversations should be required, not just for the children but for us as parents. Detaching from our phones and screens must be prioritized.

I’m amazed at how screens are increasingly involved in daily life. Every appliance in my home seems to have an affiliated app. I go to a concert, and the crowd is watching the concert through their phones as they film. I go on a hike, and along the trail, everyone is using an app to track the path rather than absorbing the scenery. It’s no wonder that we are failing to connect and that our children are struggling to read our emotions and finding it difficult to write a meaningful thank you note or to engage in a pointed conversation.

This lack of real human connection only enhances our children’s vulnerability online. And this need for our phones to do everything, from turning up the air conditioning to discovering our homework, makes putting our phones down nearly impossible, but we must carve out times to do so.

Simultaneously, the guard rails on our children have grown increasingly higher in the physical world. When my youngest son was ten years old, he asked me if he could go for a run. After giving him instructions about my expectations for his journey and the intersections to avoid, he headed out on foot. Admittedly, he was relatively small at ten, but the next thing I knew, the police rang my doorbell, certain that my child was running away and in danger, alone in my neighborhood. We have become conditioned to being overprotective of our children in the physical world, yet our children scroll through the internet and TikTok for five-plus hours a day unrestrained, through information that they should not likely be sourcing and potentially in contact with real predators and certainly at risk for bullying.

Please have conversations with your children about limiting phone usage. Please track their online activity, which is what we should really be helicoptering. Please push your kids into sports and arts where they can leave their phones in a locker or at home. Let’s reclaim some of the adventures we had as kids for them. Let’s get lost in the woods; let’s be in the moment, whether going to a concert or attending a wedding; let’s be bored during car rides and, therefore, forced to engage in family conversations. It’s a choice only we as parents can make.

Finding Inspiration for the New School Year

This week, Hurricane Debby brought the threat of heavy rain and floodwaters, robbing us of our final days of summer outdoor activities. Indeed, as I write these words, the wind is howling, a reminder that we are at the storm’s mercy, and I know that Debby will likely wreak its havoc on our state, possibly resulting in tragedy for some.

I, though, see the positives of the storm’s timing. These storm days afford us the opportunity to enjoy the end of the Olympic games and to prepare for the school year ahead. While I respect the power of a big storm, I anticipate that the calm that follows Hurricane Debby will nicely coincide with the start of the school year, easing our children’s transition back to school. I, for one, also find inspiration in the Olympic games as I face the year ahead. I would like to share one Olympic highlight, in particular, with you and your children as a guidepost on how to mentally prepare for school.

Cole Hocker shocked everyone when he won the gold medal this week in the 1500-meter race and established a new Olympic record. With less than 300 meters remaining, Hocker, a runner from the University of Oregon was in third place. He was blocked by runners both in front and beside him with no room to make a move. Moreover, the pace of the lead runners was faster than ever, a 54.6 second split on the first lap.

As the runners approached the backstretch, reigning Olympic Champion Jakob Ingebrigtsen, the runner immediately in front of Hocker on the rail, blocked Hocker’s attempt to pass on the inside with a push, causing Hocker to stumble, but he quickly regained his footing, albeit at a slower pace and still boxed in. In the final 150 meters, though, the current world champion Josh Kerr started to overtake Ingebrigtsen, and that distraction for the leader, along with his glance at the time, caused him to drift to his right, giving Hocker a narrow pathway to pass on the inside. Hocker not only recognized the split-second opportunity but also seized it, overtaking Ingebrigtsen on the inside and charging to the finish line to the raucous cheers of an explosive arena.

Beyond the sheer inspiration of Hocker’s performance, I believe that there are important takeaways.

First, Hocker defied expectations by setting a goal and adhering to it. Second, Hocker believed in himself. He had always been a good finisher, so bolstered by his own self-confidence, he soared to victory. Third, Hocker took advantage of his opportunities.

Hocker was not expected to win. He had finished the Olympic semifinals race with the sixth fastest time, so he was a bit of a longshot. Yet, by running a smart race, by training daily, and by seizing the opportunities available, he literally found a pathway to win.  He stayed focused, not on his time, according to post race interviews, but on finishing first. By doing so, Hocker pulled off the upset and made Olympic history.

Likewise, our children must set specific goals for the school year ahead: to run a smart race, to take advantage of opportunities, to put in the daily hard work, and, perhaps most importantly, to believe in themselves. As parents, we can be that raucous, supportive crowd that most certainly plays a part in any victory.

I urge you to watch and discuss Hocker’s race with your children –   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sb32uxUO10 – so that they, too, can benefit from his inspiration and modelling. Winning today rarely happens by coincidence. Instead, winning is plotted and planned by focusing on what matters – study habits and a solid game plan – and by recovering from any stumbles and ignoring the time splits (grades) and distractions. Let’s start this school year inspired.

Devaluing Class Rank

I was the salutatorian of my high school class. When I learned the news, I was pleasantly surprised. In the dark ages of the 1980s, I had no prior information that I would earn this honor other than my admission to the National Honor’s Society during my junior year (one of maybe 25 admitted from a class of 225) and my receipt of The Jefferson Book Award, one of two book awards distributed to my class. These were not goals that I had set for myself. Indeed, I was completely unaware of them. If I had attended a prior awards assembly for the distribution of academic honors, even ones for my two older sisters, I could not recall it. My surprise at the salutatorian announcement, I believe, made the honor all the more precious to me. Had I worked my entire high school career toward that specific goal, my reaction may have been, in part, relief, but instead, my reaction was pure pride. I had earned this award because of my strong work ethic.

Today, due to substantial changes in GPA calculations and course offerings, I believe that high schools should abandon class rank altogether.

The educational landscape has dramatically changed over the last forty years. Now, parents and children plot to secure a high class rank even before entering high school and track their rank semester to semester. A weighted GPA system, which evolved because of the entry of “college level” classes into the high school curriculum including AP coursework, is now used strategically and widely by students to game the system and leverage class rank. Honors courses that also offer a GPA premium can be found locally in the areas of sports marketing, JROTC, PE, Food Science, and Horticulture, courses that do not typically suggest different levels of proficiency among teenagers. Students, often guided by their parents, make decisions about class selection based on these weights and the reputation of teachers who are easy graders and forge a path to maximize their GPAs, often sacrificing student interests in favor of “weighted” coursework. As a result, classes such as AP Human Geography have skyrocketed in popularity. I have never had a student demonstrate any interest in human geography before registering for this class. Often, the registrants do not even know what the class is about. The course’s allure is due to the bump it delivers to a student’s GPA and due to its relatively lower level of difficulty.

This now common weighted GPA has skewed  ranking results. A student’s high GPA may no longer signal top performance but rather a savvy approach to course registration. Most high schools, over 60%, have now eliminated class rank altogether because it, perhaps unfairly, disadvantages some students in the college admissions process and because the presence of a class rank and the intense attention to it create undue anxiety.

These GPA changes oddly remind me of my old supper club. Back in the day, our supper club felt that we needed to become more inclusive. The supper club grew and grew to larger numbers as we indulged inclusivity, until, one day, hosting the supper club became such an ordeal that anxiety prevented folks from wanting to host the club in their homes. The exact opposite of our original intention became true: The more inclusive we tried to make the club, the more exclusive it became. “How could you not be invited to join that humongous supper club?” The supper club eventually folded.

From my observation, this exclusivity argument has become at the center of the debate for class rank and for National Honors Society membership. The prestige of the top quintile of the class has eroded as strategy now plays a significant part of the process, and today, parents worry if their children are not admitted to the National Honors Society. Many parents believe their children are entitled to access these honors, and the system has afforded students a route to access them.

I am not trying to strip our most studious students, those who earn positions at the very top of their classes, of any prestige. They no doubt have worked tirelessly to earn their titles, so if your child is or was valedictorian, salutatorian, or nearly so, please know that I am not depriving him or her of any glory or satisfaction. But the “everyone gets a trophy” mentality of today’s parents is doing just that.

I am pointing to the parents who grovel for As on behalf of their children and to their children who dedicate just enough grit to slide into the A grade range (often a very low threshold) but not one ounce more than is necessary and who pad their course load with an array of “soft” honors coursework intentionally to elevate class rank. We live in a society that has normalized such behavior, so if you are among these parents or children, you have likely been swept into the mania.

We, however, have just one opportunity to raise our children, and I am suggesting that we should refocus our attention on the key values that make children strong students and fine young adults: kindness, honesty, curiosity, diligence, and genuine pride. Focusing on these fundamentals, as a society, can strip down the building inequities in our educational system. We need to redefine who is a “winner.” Winning is finding enjoyment in the educational process, savoring a good book, finding fulfillment from working hard to develop a skill, and showing kindness to a friend or community member in need. If your children have these qualities but do not earn that targeted class rank, the admission to that choice college, or any other so-called coveted honor, your children will have won and will be employable and likely fulfilled, firmly rooted in these values.

To accomplish this desired result, eliminating class rank is likely a necessity. By doing so, we can reclaim core values, curb some of the GPA strategies, and appropriately refocus attention on the fundamentals.

Addressing Chronic Absenteeism: The Importance of Attendance and Respecting Deadlines

When my oldest son was a junior in high school, I distinctly remember one evening, about this time of year, that he had to travel over an hour for a tennis match. He returned home, notably fatigued, on a bus at or around 10:30 pm that night. His course load, much like that of many of your children, contained a hefty dose of AP classes, and he was scheduled for three tests the next day. In a move that was decidedly unlike him, he asked me to write him a note so he could miss a class and defer a test or two. My son was very conscientious, and he consistently worked diligently in school. Still, I refused. I recognized in the moment that, yes, his GPA might take a hit, and yes, he might understand the material better if afforded more time; however, I wanted him (and his younger brother) to respect the importance of a deadline (and of integrity). He had known in advance of his tests that day. He had known in advance of his away tennis match that day, too, but he had not planned ahead, at least not adequately enough to meet his own satisfaction. In retrospect, he should have gotten a bigger jump on his studying the weekend before.

I admit that I now cringe at how harshly I delivered this news. I was not the popular parent in our household, especially that day. My son was, and is, incredibly responsible; however, I had witnessed many other parents make these exceptions for their children, and I knew that it was a dangerous path. I wanted to instill in my own children that deadlines are not negotiable and that attendance is of utmost importance.

Today, student absenteeism is reaching chronic levels in high school classrooms. Last week, I listened to a podcast on The Daily, entitled “Kids Are Missing School at an Alarming Rate.” In this podcast, Sarah Mervosh, an education reporter for The New York Times, highlighted data to establish the significant growth in student absenteeism following the pandemic. Specifically, in the last five years, chronic absenteeism, defined as missing at least 10 percent of school, has almost doubled, from a student population of 15 percent to 28 percent. A closer look reveals that in public school classrooms, chronic absenteeism has grown from 19 to 32 percent, almost one third of all public school students, and in private school classrooms, it has increased from 10 to 19 percent.

Her report rang true to me. As an academic coach, I have found myself counseling families with much greater frequency about why skipping classes for flimsy reasons is a bad habit and why every course must be treated as core curriculum, including art, foreign language, and music.

Mervosh attributes part of these higher percentages to an increase in viruses; however, she notes that perhaps even more significant contributing factors are the growing anxiety in and the depressive tendencies of our children. Moreover, these mental health factors have become a vicious cycle, where children’s choices to avoid school because of fear and anxiety actually “beget more fear and anxiety.”

Now, absenteeism has become normalized. Parents find it more acceptable to withdraw their children from school for a vacation or to allow them to skip school for nebulous reasons. Our absenteeism culture has inadvertently suggested to other students the acceptability of missing school.

At a time when our children have not yet bridged the academic losses from remote learning, chronic absenteeism is compounding the detrimental effects of these losses. Many of my academic coaching students are struggling because they lack respect for deadlines and often fail to report to class on time. Indeed, if a child has a below-B average in a class, absenteeism and the failure to respect deadlines are often critical contributing factors.

The working world is reflecting this trend as well. We are beginning to see the ramifications of remote work, where young professionals who work remotely are less likely to receive raises and promotions. After all, employers and teachers are much more likely to connect with the worker or the student who is actually present, on time, and visibly engaged.

As parents, we hold the power to reverse this trend. I can attest that doing so may become a battle at home, but it is a battle worth waging. I dare say that part of the reason that my sons are so attentive to deadlines and so responsible is because I demanded it of them. They never again asked me to excuse them from school short of verifiable illness. Popular, no, but necessary, yes.

The Truth about Testing

I took the SAT exactly twice. Both times, I recall tearing open my scores, delivered by snail mail, with great trepidation, apprehensive about the fate that would be delivered to me. I recall well my reactions: disappointment the first time around, tearful even, but excitement with my second set of results. The clouds lifted when I opened that second envelope. I remember thinking in that moment that my opportunities had just significantly broadened – aware, even then, during the dark ages of the 1980s, that standardized testing mattered, even though I had never before heard of the ACT and even though my test prep meant that I had read through just the instructions before that fateful Saturday morning.

Strong standardized test scores still make a critical difference during the college admissions process. We have always known that standardized testing matters, yet the pandemic and so-called “optional” testing policies adopted by colleges thereafter misled parents into believing that their children can avoid standardized testing altogether without penalty.  In reality, though, these optional testing policies were often offered disingenuously. Every decision about a change to the college admissions process is designed to help, first and foremost, the college, not the applicant. Never doubt that, despite how that change is marketed. Colleges are carefully tracking their application and yield statistics and working these numbers to their advantage, and every decision the college makes, including the adoption of test optional policies, has to do with dollars and statistics.

Standardized testing is, and long has been, one of five primary factors considered during the admissions process, alongside the students’ transcripts, essays, extracurricular activities, and letters of recommendation. It is, in fact, one of the most critical of these five components because, despite its faults, testing levels the playing field, allowing students to be compared relatively fairly, across states, schools, and economic or social circumstances.  Several well-known colleges recently reinstituted testing as a requirement for admissibility, abandoning their optional testing policies, including Dartmouth, MIT, Yale, Brown, and the University of Texas – Austin. Rising juniors should, in particular, recognize this trend as a warning. Colleges see standardized testing as strong predictors of a student’s likely success. Many large universities will likely follow this trend, reverting to required testing, because it simply makes the admissions process faster. Cut-off scores enable large universities to sift through and quickly narrow huge numbers of applications, fair or not.

I understand why students and parents want to ignore testing, why they want to cling to the hope that testing does not matter. Students and their parents are often discouraged by their results on the PSAT or pre-ACT, and they assume the position that these students just don’t test well. I confess that it is true: A segment of the population, in my experience, has the horsepower to test well but falls short, often because of significant pacing issues or poor reading fluency. Most of the time, however, students are underperforming because of critical learning gaps and because of a lack of familiarity with the tests themselves. A strong test prep program can almost always move these scores, sometimes very significantly. Many of my serious students who enthusiastically embrace test prep and engage in regular practice earn astounding score gains.

The standardized testing universe is complex, another reason that families shy away from it. The SAT just went 100% digital and is now adaptive, meaning that the second parts of both the verbal and math tests - the second modules - vary, depending on the student’s performance on the first modules. The SAT and the ACT tests are very different, too. Many students do not understand the ACT’s science section at all, for example; and the ACT now also offers a digital test. How can families keep up with all of these changes?

The answer, again, is test prep. I wish that I had had access to strong test prep back in the day. Strong test prep not only raises scores, but it also improves a student’s understanding of grammar, writing, math, and general test-taking strategies. With the learning gaps incurred during the pandemic, test prep can bridge the gap and really prepare a student for the college curriculum. Moreover, test prep can boost a student’s college applications.

Reflections from Antarctica: Prioritizing Order

My husband and I just returned from a cruise to Antarctica. I feel extremely fortunate to be among the few who have experienced this remote and beautiful part of our planet, and I feel genuinely refreshed from my exposure to pristine landscapes; magnificent blue waters; crisp, fresh air; immense, free-formed icebergs; and playful penguins and whales – all in a largely untouched environment, free of litter.

As I reflect on my adventure in this unspoiled world park, I am reminded of the Second Law of Thermodynamics, that nature universally flows from order to disorder unless we actively resist that flow. The largely untouched glaciers of Antarctica are, literally and figuratively, miles away from our world here, which is cluttered with reminders of our wired, fast-paced environment. On my street alone, I see utility poles and litter every day. Because of the stark contrast between these two environments, I readily recognized that the more immersed we become in our hectic world, the more we tend to ignore growing clutter. In other words, disorder breeds disorder, or entropy increases over time. We can, in some ways, become acclimated to a littered, disorganized existence if we do not activity resist it.

On a macro level, we need to be concerned about our environment, about how global warming is destroying Earth. On a micro level, however, we need to focus on the next generation; we need to build our children’s awareness that they can resist disorder. And that resistance begins with us, teaching our children to take responsibility for themselves and for their material possessions.

Consider our children’s backpacks, for example. There are, in my experience, generally two types of students: First are the students who recognize that intelligence and success are linked to organization. My strongest students are very organized: They never miss a deadline, they are not missing papers the night before a test, they are not rummaging through a stack of unfiled papers in the front of a three-ringed binder, hunting for that lost assignment, and they prepare for tests well in advance. Second are the students who may be even smarter than the first group but who fail to reach their full potential, at least in high school, because they suffer from a lack of structure. They often maintain a single binder, because, well, it’s easier and lighter. The front pocket of that binder is pulled from its seams because it is so full. This second group of students swears that they turned in “that missing assignment,” but a week later, the assignment is found, rumpled and torn, at the bottom of their backpacks amid lunch crumbs and wrappers.  Typically, their backpacks are not the only signs that I see of their disorganized existence. These same students often take little pride in their personal appearance. Once they hit puberty, they may start to reverse these trends, but by the end of puberty, their slow reversal may have already taken a toll on their academic records.

The first group of more successful students recognizes that organization takes time and energy, but the pushback pays dividends. Their beautiful binders put them in the right frame of mind to attack their work and have carryover effects, enabling them to absorb material in a more ordered framework.

Many parents fail to recognize that disorganization has such a significant impact. These parents are understandably tired of nagging their children to make up their beds and to clean their rooms, or these parents have attempted to organize their children’s backpacks and lives themselves. To successfully break the pattern of disorder, though, children must take ownership of their materials and must see first-hand the connection between actively resisting disorder and becoming more productive, retaining more information, and earning better grades.

With the return to spring, I am hopeful that our children can experience an awakening. Taking ownership of material possessions, maintaining a clean and organized workspace, and taking pride in personal appearance will result in stronger school performances. Moreover, these same children who recognize that we must act with intention to break the cycle toward disorder might just be able to save our planet, too.